Going against my nature to get started

The Queen from Alice in Wonderland asking the writer “Who do you think you are?”

I’ve got an assortment of demons that have kept me from opening an account on Medium (or just taking up writing and publicly sharing my work). They go by several names. Perfectionism. Impostor syndrome. Depression. Procrastination!

Sometimes it’s necessary to sit with the demons until you heal. But there are times that you must be ready to take action, even if your wounds are still open. Can’t wait for the love and light. I’m gonna do the thing, all while holding the demon within my eyesight so it doesn’t run off and sabotages me.

I’m going against my need to do research, think about it, have some bullet points of post ideas.

I’m going against my overthinking — what should I write about?

I’m going against my marketing brain — what should be the focus of this profile?

I’m doing this because if I don’t, I’ll never get started.

Welcome to the brain of a recovering perfectionist. In many ways, I can’t help myself, it is hard for me to be one of those people who can wing it because I am not wired that way.

I am taking a page out of their playbook, but I cannot pretend to be one of them. It’s ok though. I have gotten to that mythical place where I love myself. If I die tomorrow, it’s all good. I have achieved the thing I always wanted. To look at myself in the mirror and not hate what I see. To think about my life and not feel like it has been a giant waste of time.

Basically, all I’m doing from this point forward is playing a new game where I get to be myself in my most de-conditioned, free state. Who is this character? What are her weapons of choice?

I already know her stats. I have consulted with all the oracles. The Commander (ENTJ) Investigator (Type 5) Individualist (wing 4) who is a bit solitary (sun in Taurus), with the soul of an artist (moon in Libra), wearing the mask of a witchy detective (Scorpio rising, therefore I hate that I disclosed this much about myself already, but fuck it).

Weapon of choice: words. Mostly typed, sometimes spoken.

Outfit of choice: anything leopard print

Home: the Underworld. But will go to your stupid bougie brunch place and fit in just the same.

Talents: capable of holding paradoxes, bridging the rational and irrational, the world of the mind and the soul, inability to repress, sharp intuition, and a very annoying love for humankind that keeps taking me out of my shelter of literature and hedonistic delights.

Armor: sarcasm. anger. books.

I can confidently say I know something about myself. I haven’t finished discovering the depths of my demons, but I’ve done enough work so that my unconscious doesn’t fuck with me. I see it coming miles away and I invite the beast for a cup of coffee. We chill. It tells me what it wants. We figure out how to live together. Eventually I find the gifts it was trying to show me.

So, what is next for this character? What is the next chapter in her journey?

This is a start.

One of my demons has kept me from opening an account on Medium (or just taking up writing and publicly sharing my work). I’ve got piles o’journals. I’ve bought domains and shut them down. The only one I’ve maintained is www.carolinachanis.com because I won’t let the other 4 bitches who have my name have it. Suck it, I’m the OG.

This demon and I are on kinder terms, but there’s still shrapnel circling inside my psyche from the 30 years of carrying this monster and all I can do is keep going until I eventually spit it all out.

I gotta thank the husband for prodding me to consider Medium.

You see, I got this Instagram account that is doing alright but I know I am still not-myself on that platform, and I wouldn’t care about it except I am trying to sell a thing on there and ya gotta be authentic to attract your people (what? you want me to pay for ads? gtfo!)

He says my Facebook rants are more like the true me. Hmmm. I guess. But Facebook is for the fam. I don’t accept friendship requests if you won’t accept me IRL. But the ‘gram is public, and I’m still scared of being that visible.

It’s gotten better, I’ve even made some friends!

But, alas, the struggle is real.

It’s all good though. I’ve decided I have a BDSM relationship with Instagram. I’m the bratty ho that will get her way.

So, let’s see where I take this. Follow me if this makes you curious:

  • Authenticity and visibility wounds
  • All the flavors of the impostor syndrome
  • Using archetypes and myth to heal from trauma
  • Exploring the trauma behind all the labels I identify with…and learning how to mine the hidden gifts my demons bring
  • How to incorporate personal development knowledge so my soul feels content with what I am doing on Earth…I’m not about setting #SMARTgoals just to be an asshole that makes money for another asshole
  • Being a multipotentialite marketer and course creator
  • How to have a BDSM relationship with social media (in particular, Instagram)

Your next-door impostor girl, building the courage to be disliked. 100% facetious. Embracing the irrational, chancla-esque parts of myself so I can die empty.